What is He trying to say?

It's been a while since I've stopped by. A lot has changed, much has not...but I'm still on my journey of faith. I've have listened and grown, ignored Him and fallen. Needed Him to pick me up and other times He has had to carry me all together. Thank God, for God. For His faith fullness. For His never changing. For His amazing character and flowing grace that I so need every second of every day.





I currently find myself in a season of waiting, of quiet character building and let me tell you there's a lot of building going on. Recently I have found myself encounter several hurtful situations where my character and self worth have been attacked. The enemy has been on the prowl and recently come out in full attack mode. He got me good one day because I allowed it. I didn't have my spiritual armor on, but instead I was wearing my pity party hat. I invited many to attend, but no one came. I was the only one feeling sorry for myself. Feeling very alone and worthless, I sat. I sat expecting to be completely empty, but I wasn't empty as I have been in the past. No, there was something there. Now mind you it was a small, quiet something, but it was there. It was a small still voice that said, "You are loved and you certainly know better than this." A small glimmer of hope reignited in my heart that lead to some diving and saturating my mind and heart in the Word. His Word...the Word He gave to me so that I may know the truth, His truth, the only truth that gives me hope.





So now as that small flame has been reignited I am on my continued journey of faith to discover what God has planned for me. To discover what special purpose I was made for. While I do not know when that will be reveal or when I will be ready to know what awaits for me, I do know this...God wants me to get to know me...the me He created with a perfect plan. The me He created to bring glory to His kingdom. The me He loves so much that He counts every hair on my head and every tear I shed. He feels I am worthy of being loved...then I think its time to get to know the magnificent person He created. After all, if He spent the time, there has to be something good in there and I am excited to find out just what and who that is.

Today is the day...

Today is the day I say YES to God in all things He asks me to do. Today is the day that I "respect myself enough to make a courageous choice." The courageous choice I make it to give away all of my doubt and put my full faith into what I know God has called me to do. So here we go...are you ready to embark are a divine adventure with me? It has begun....

The lost will be found...

I just sat for a few minutes re-reading my earlier posts. Wow, I could feel my love for the Lord in them. I could feel the energy and excitement that I had as I wrote each sentence. I really needed to read those words today. You see, I have been in a bit of a dark place...I am lost, empty, dark, anxious, and sad. I have lost a loving member of my family. My grandmother, affectionately known as Gigi, left this earth on May 29th. While for those of us who believe in Jesus, this is a beautiful thing, I am ashamed to share that I do not know if my grandmother was a believer. I never asked her. We never talked about it...Oh, how I regret this now. Let me start this story at the beginning...

On Wednesday, May 19th, I received a phone call that Gigi had been found in collapsed in her apartment and was being taken to the hospital. My mother shared that it was believed that she had suffered a stroke. Late in the afternoon it was confirmed that my sweet Gigi had indeed suffered a massive stroke that rendered her left side completely paralyzed. She also lost her ability to swallow and verbally communicate. As you can imagine our family was deeply upset. My father pulled me outside of her hospital room and shared that at 91 years old she would not recover. He also shared her Do Not Resuscitate Order that stated she would not allow for a feeding tube or any intravenous fluids. Now it was just a matter of days until she died.

As a family we decided to take her back to her home and have both hospice and 24 hour care takers as well, so that she could die with her family at her side. The next 8 days were the absolute most difficult ones I have ever endured. I worked from 7am-5:30pm. When my husband arrived home I would leave and go to Gigi's until 3 or 4am, sleep for 2 hours and then get up and start the process all over again. Please know that I am not complaining, I would not change that time that I spent with her or my dad for anything in the world. Which leads me to begin to understand why God allowed her to hold on for those 10 days...

For any of you who know me well, you know that my relationship with my father has always been strained. We don't communicate well and my dad has a difficult time sharing his emotions. One long night, standing in the hallway at 3am, I asked my dad if my grandmother believed in God. He said they had never discussed it but he was sure she did because she was raised in the south and they had attended church when he was a little boy. I then asked him if he believes in God...which by the way I was sure he was an atheist... He then said the most beautiful words I have ever heard, "I believe in God." I almost collapsed from pure elation! My dad believes in GOD!!! Wait, let me say it again... MY DAD BELIEVES IN GOD!!!!!!!!!

So while it may have been anguishing to watch my grandmother die and experience each moment of her death first hand, I can see past the pain to the wonderful workings of the Lord. My dad and I have become closer than we ever have been. He cried and thanked me for being there when his mother went to heaven. We have also had a few "church discussions." Now I realize these are just simple conversations, but I have faith and patience. I waited for 16 years for my husband to come around...I have a feeling I may not have to wait this time.

Thank you Lord, for all of your blessings. I realize that while I have experienced a tremendous time of pain and sorrow, I see how that experience has been used for good. Thank you for all of the wonderful things that you do. Amen!

He is faithful...

So over the last 16 years I have really struggled with my faith. It wasn't until 2 1/2 years ago, that I finally came to God and accepted Jesus into my life completely. I had hit the darkest place in my life and he picked me up and carried me until I could walk again. Once I discovered the Lord and began to build my relationship with Him, I was relieved that I no longer had to do life on my own. I then wanted, desperately, to share this with my family, especially my husband. He was not the most receptive to my new found faith. He didn't understand my life changes, but he did acknowledge my new sense of peace that I exuded daily. I was no longer anxious, for I knew God had a plan and He would provide. I prayed daily, continuously, for the Lord to soften my husband's heart. And guess what? He is always faithful. He always listens. He always responds. It may not have been as quickly as I wanted, for it was is His perfect timing, but my prayers have been answered. My husband has come to find God as well. And I now look back on the journey we took to get to the place that we are and realize that His timing was perfect. At this time our home is faith based. We are raising our boys to know the Lord and have a relationship with Him. We are attending church as a family and I feel blessed to be where we are right now. We may not have all of the materials things we would like, but i know we are some of the richest people to be sharing in God's kingdom!

My 25 Things...

I recently read a post where the author had listed 25 things that she wanted to do. I pondered making a list and came to the conclusion that is was a great idea. Having a concrete focus would probably help me stay organized, so here we go...

1. Have and keep a daily Bible study and prayer time.

2. Exercise DAILY!!!

3. Create and stick to a daily reading routine with my boys.

4. Organize all of my household paperwork and continue to stay on top of it so it never gets out of control again.

5. Have a daily household cleaning routine. Create it, do it, stick to it!

6. Look for and implement more ways to be be more financially conservative.

7. Complete my Special Education Masters.

8. Have more fun with my kids.

9. Try to find one new activity or place to visit once a month.

10. Find a church that all of my family members enjoy and go weekly.

11. Get baptised.

12. Read more books for pleasure.

13. Keep in better touch with friends and family.

14. Do one kind act for someone every day.

15. Research and implement a healthy diet for my family.

16. Encourage my husband to follow a healthy diet and exercise daily.

17. Research and visit new states to find a great place to raise my boys.

18. Be patient, always...

19. Buy an investment property.

20. Paint the boys' bathroom.

21. Be an encouraging and loving wife and mother at all times.

22. Attend a weekly Bible study.

23. Share my faith openly without fear of judgement or backlash.

24. Have a daily Bible study time with my husband.

25. Get back to my oil painting...

He answered!!!

So life has been a bit of a struggle lately...first my husband had huge problems at work due to some untruthful people. We thought he was going to loose his job. Next, I received a letter from the IRS saying we were being audited. The day I was to share the news of our audit, our sewer backs up into our home, which is my place of business. A days wages lost and a completely stressed out husband, but we survived. I prayed a lot that day...I have been praying a lot every day, leaning on the Lord's strength to get me through. And He has been faithful. That is the only way I have been able to bear the stresses we have endured lately.

Well, after the audit we were sure that HAD to be it...nope not quite. I received a phone call that my 24 year old niece has cancer and would be undergoing Chemotherapy. Ok, we can handle this, I again turn to God. I know He is there. I feel Him near. I sense His spiritual arms wrapped around me holding me tight. It will all be ok. "Look for the lessons here, Kim." Learn what I am attempting to teach you. I am preparing you for something else. Look, listen, and learn." So I continue on, attempting to "Look, Listen, and Learn."

Alright, so my niece is getting the best possible treatment and her prognosis is great! Aaahh, great news...so the next week when it rains and all of a sudden I realize it is raining in my house and the ceiling is sagging, I look up to the Lord and start singing the song "Flood" by Jars of Clay in the most joyful voice I have ever had. Really, what else was there to do? He is there...He has continued to be there and He will continue to be there for me and all of his children. I looked, as He asked me to, around at the water that was seeping into my hardwood floors. I listened, as He had requested, to the sound of the rain dripping in my living room. And I learned on that very day to sing. I sang because it will all be fine. I have faith that I will not allow to falter. I have strength given to me by my Heavenly Father. Anything and All things are possible through HIM. I feel so blessed to have God on my side.

So when I lost 2 clients and over 50% of my income over the last two weeks I didn't panic. I called on the only one who could help me. I prayed for Him to show me what He wished for me to do. Is it time to attempt to go back to a more traditional type job or to continue working from my home and be a part of ever aspect of my two little boys lives? I asked for guidance and praised God for his love, mercy, and grace. Then I began to be active in a pursuit of more clients and to also find a more traditional job. I have continued to pray and tonight I think I got my answer. Today it appears that I have 2 new clients. The hours are a bit shorter, which means the income is a little less, but it will get me through until a time when either the Lord sends someone else into my life or until the times when He shares with me that it is time to move on.

I can not even express how different my life is today. It is amazing because I have an incredible sense of peace. I know the Lord has a plan for me. A good plan...not one of harm, only of good. The experiences that I have had recently all have a purpose, one that I may not clearly understanding right now. They have been difficult, but I feel blessed to be experiencing them because I know that God is using these experiences to prepare me for something.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for having such an incredible plan for my life. It awes me and amazes me that You made me for a specific purpose. I also want to thank you for teaching me how to Look, Listen, and Learn. What an incredible opportunity you have given me! I am sorry that I often fall short, but I am thankful for your grace. Thank you for the challenges and struggles you have given me, as I now know they are only opportunities to grow. I will continue to draw near to you Lord and I thank you for always being here for me. In Jesus' name I pray...Amen.

Sometimes things are hard to understand...

My husband just called me. He was very somber in his tone and said he had some news he needed to share. A mutual friend of ours had sent him an email this morning. She just lost her mother to esophageal cancer 3 weeks ago. This has been an incredible loss in her life as her mother was her best friend. Now this morning she just shared that she found out 2 weeks ago that she has breast cancer herself. She is a wreck and my husband and I were stunned by this news. She is 34 years old and has a 15 year old son. After I hung up with him, I have been sitting here, feeling like I have been run over by an emotional bus. You see cancer is something that has been affecting many people in our lives. My niece was diagnosed with uterine cancer on Tuesday. She is 24. My husband's best friend is 37 years old and was diagnosed with a GBM IV, a terminal brain tumor, 10 months ago. My cousin's husband had a tumor removed from his brain stem almost a year ago and is still recovering from all of the trauma the surgery imposed. As I sit here thinking about all of the people I know with cancer, I wonder, why is this happening? Will I be next? I am terrified, but then I remember, I am not alone. Even if something such as this does occur, I have God. In the most difficult times in my life, He carries me and is always next to me. I just have to seek Him with an open and honest heart.

As I sit here and try to make sense of all of this tragedy in people's lives, I realize that is not for me to do. I can ask why, but I am not going to receive an answer. I just need to trust in God, in his plan for us all. Maybe it seems easy for me to say this because I have not been directly affected, but there is a reason that each of these situations is occurring. Tragedy tends to bring God's people closer to Him. While I would never would never wish hardship or tragic experiences on anyone, I do believe they happen for a purpose, the purpose of the greater good, God's greater good.

While I pray for those affected and their loved ones, I also pray for others I do not know. People all over the world as currently dealing with a variety of circumstances, many of them difficult ones. I hope and pray that with each and every difficult situation that you face, you know that God is with you...just seek Him, ask for His comfort. He will provide. He always does. He never fails.

Thank you Lord for giving me comfort during these very uncertain times. I know each difficult circumstance that I experience happens for a reason. Please help me to always find my comfort in Your arms and in Your Word. I pray that all of those currently affected by tragedy will seek You and Your guidance. Thank you for loving us all unconditionally. I praise you Lord. I thank You for all of the blessing You bestowed upon my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.